hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Randomize
