proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
