And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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