I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
You may now shotgun with the bride
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
