saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
