I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
then he tried to convert me to islam
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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