i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
Randomize
