She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I want to but I can't have a boner while doing a install and working with a customer
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