Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
