I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Lol I screamed "GOT AN ORDER OF VERSACE TACOS UP" and the whole kitchen was just like who the fuck is this kid
Stay away a while longer.
Still not sure if they're cops or strippers.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
