I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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