no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
