Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
just walked passed a black light...apparently he DID cum.
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
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