the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
