one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
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What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
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Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
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