i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Randomize
