Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
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