I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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