Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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