Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
