ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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