you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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