Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Randomize
