Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
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