i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
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You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
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Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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