I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
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