How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
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