she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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