I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I knew deleting his texts was a bad idea and I was right. I just used the last time we talked to help me figure out when I had my last period
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Someone signed my nipple.
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