So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
This chick had a microhand. Fucking, like, jerking off a baby carrot would make it look like corn.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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