guys are only as good as the porn they watch
she smelled like a LAN party
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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