We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
