Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Randomize
