Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
There was a lot of him and a little penis
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
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