he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Randomize
