I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
