I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
Randomize
