He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Randomize
