Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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