took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
I just had sex in a moon bounce. It is all down hill from here.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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