I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
Fyi, shaking your genitals at me doesn't count as "trying to have sex".
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
Randomize
