I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I am naked and annoyed.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Randomize
