my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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