i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
