Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
