evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
