"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Randomize
