If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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