I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
