Dude she looked like Jerry Garcia's knuckles
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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