can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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