Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He keeps asking where i got my clothes and accessories. i'm not sure if he wants to fuck me, or go shopping.
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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