Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
