Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
