just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
be proud. or at least amused. an 18 yr old and a 25 yr old at least makes my average hookup age this week the same as my age.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
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