I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
Randomize
