I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
stop calling my apartment porn island.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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