I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
Redeem this text for a blowjob
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
