It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
girl pulled up to the stop sign, got out, threw up all over my hood said happy thanksgiving then drove off
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
