seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
